Things I've learnt about having a child Part 4

Part 4 - Birth

Not something I'll ever experience. Women say 'you try and pop a water melon out of your cock' as some sort of comparison. I'll never do that, but when I was 18 I had a wee that lasted 10 minutes and made me weak in the knees. Like most men, I've also tried to we out of my erect penis with little success. I think I've said part of this before, but fuck it.

As I've said, we had a Caesar. It was all very hospital-ish. They made me wear some white overalls. The nurse said 'they're one size fits all'. Like fuck they are! I couldn't straighten up. I did once, but I want to have another child, so didn't again. The tearing sound I heard wasn't my nad sack being torn in half, it was the overalls. I made sure they were in a ball when I handed them back. Like what you do with the hire suit from Ferrari Fashions after someone has had a little vomit on it (make sure you hand back the coat hanger too, they charge you for that).

I was also made to wear a disposable shower cap. I washed my hair that morning, you fucks! I used to work in the meat industry, so I've worn these numbers before. It's like wearing a beret, so I always put mine on a jaunty angle. Sometimes I would wear them like a British Paratrooper. I also had to put covers on my shoes, again, just like in the meat game.

We sat outside the operating theatre for ages. We also sat in the room for ages. They tell you to get there early, like 0645 or something wrong like that. We didn't go up until 1130. I was starving, and had to do a run to the cafeteria to get something to eat. My partner was worse as she was fasting from the night before.

I didn't bring in a phone either. I thought you weren't allowed. But as the anaesthesiologist made a call to his wife (long story) as soon as Charlotte popped out, so I was shitty that I didn't bring mine in. But as I rarely call anyone, I probably wouldn't have called anyone anyway.

As the man, you get ushered out pretty quickly. They need to sew the boss up, so we are useless (again). I am OK at sewing up holes in my socks, but never tried it on a cervix or lower abdomen. Don't think I want to either. The nurse tells you it's time to go and then they put your new child in a cot and make you wheel it down to the maternity floor. I had no idea this was going to happen.

I actually walked out without my child, and had to be told to get her. I also almost walked out without giving the boss a kiss, but went back in and gave her one. Smooth, me. The shitty thing is, at least in the public sector, is that you go in the normal lift with all the other dribblers. I was at least expecting one like Gandel has at Chadstone Shopping Centre, where it is totally private and he drives right up to it, and there's security all the way too, right to his office. I've heard about this, so I don't know if it's true, but probably says more about his paranoia than anything else. But it does sound like fun.

I know the Royal Women's deals with a lot of women, and I hope some of those things they are getting treated for aren't too contagious. As there were a few in the lift with me. Some were even scraping their knuckles on the ground when they walked. And that was just the women. As it was a Caesar, we also got a private room, which was nice. No doubt if we had of had a shared room; we would have been moved to a private one before too long. That would have been my mission.

I was put in the nursery with my new daughter. I sat there with her, not knowing what to do. I was talking to her, telling her what was going on around her but that was it, as she was in the cot. A midwife came past and asked me if I wanted to hold her, and I said no one had offered me that before and I didn't know if I was allowed to do it myself. She picked her up, and gave her to me, and it was magic. She looked at me and we had about two hours together by ourselves. Her first two hours, were spent with me. We just chatted and I got to know her, and she me.

It was a pretty special time and, for me a pretty special memory.