Things I've learnt about having a child. Pt 2 & 3

Part 2 Birthing sessions

We missed the birthing session, so we had a 'special session' with a mid wife who had disturbingly fat arms. I was going to suggest a pill similar to that taken by Shane Warne to get rid water retention, but was told not to. A mate told me that he sat through half of a session and then left – he said it taught him nothing. Christ, I wish I could have left halfway through. It was boring, and I felt as though it was designed for people who are a bit more lovey dovey that we are. I thought I was going to stop breathing through lack of interest – at least I was in the hospital. Also, before you go in, don't say to the old boilers what I did about having a child: I'm only here for the smacking. The looks I got could have cut a diamond.

There was a map on a poster, with three roads on it:
One was a 'normal road' which represented a 'normal' birth. This is where the woman is in pain for ages and calls her partner a cunt at ever given opportunity for what he did to her. Missed that fun.

Another road ran off the 'normal road', which was like a bumpy dirt track. This represented the problems that might arise and led either back to the 'normal road' or to the freeway, which was the Caesar route.

The rocky road leading towards the freeway was meant to represent something going on and having to go to an emergency Caesar. We didn't have to do that, as our child was breach, so there was no option.

Interesting side note: apparently in Blighty, they deliver breach children through the vaginal cavity more often than they do a Caesar. We are all wiser now.

I don't think I would have been able to handle the session with other to be parents. A mate went to one and said that people were holding hands, kissing and rubbing the mother's tummy. Christ, that's how you get into this state in the first place. Besides, we like most normal people, don't act like that all the time – maybe in the bedroom – so there's no need to do so in front of people. Especially if you're ugly.

Part 3 Language and bizarre procedures

I had never heard the term 'vaginal cavity' previously. It was quite a shock and wasn't a term that was taught to us at Caulfield Grammar School during sex ed class circa 1985. Christ it was a shock. I even said, 'ease up' to the doctor. There were other words too, but I think I've blocked them out. If we have another child, you'll find me rocking quietly in the corner, trying to block them out again.

One thing that needs explaining is that there is some swab that the mother has to do of her bum. Yes, a cotton bud and bum. You can imagine the rest. For those going through this, there is a handy diagram they provide the mother. I had to look (not at the procedure but the diagram), and fuck, I wish I didn't. I was told when it happened though. Interestingly, the lady in the diagram had a Brazilian. Total Brazilian. This was most likely done to keep men's attention. Even though it was a drawn picture, it got mine!

Further, the woman is poked and prodded often. Indeed, many times the skirt is hitched up and the undies pulled down a little. Sounds good? Not really, as it's all so clinical. Get on the table, squirt gel onto stomach, trained person rubs ultra sound device over woman's tummy, try to make out baby. I never could until she came out and I saw her in the operating room. Thankfully my partner didn't have the experience that other women have where strangers come up and want to feel her tummy. I've tried this before to a woman, and there's still a court order out on me. Fucker. Don't understand why anyone would do this to a stranger.

I know women have to do pap smears, so showing their goodies to medical professionals is nothing new to them. I can probably count on two hands how many times I've got my willy-wang out to a doctor (that includes the looks I got as a young fella when I got the chop). I've also shown it to a few lucky ladies in the past too, but now I am a dad, it doesn't happen much at all.

During the pregnancy the sisterhood converges and discuss things that men know little about. Frankly, I like to Aboriginal idea of women's business – I don't need to know. Let the sisters get together, sure they'll bag out men, but what's new in that.